I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
