At least make sure they are 18
Why
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
