I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
