By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
