Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
