just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
