If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
