I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Bring me that man meat
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
