Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
