Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
And then he peed in my hair
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