Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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