I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
