I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
