I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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