I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
