You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
