Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
