I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
