I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Life is so much better after having sex.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
