Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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