Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
