Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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