Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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