I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
