My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
