Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Found the puke drawer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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