someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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