I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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