I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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