so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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