ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?