My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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