So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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