My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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