The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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