why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The cops high fived after they tackled you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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