idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
