You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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