i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
