Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
