Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
