apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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