So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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