Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
