She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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