yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
