What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
