Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
