i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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