Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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