I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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