im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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