so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
