drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
