I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
