In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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