At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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