Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
