Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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