So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
